So now what I am thinking I will do is, try to write this one off kind of a series where I shall try and capture every random freaking thought that pops up in my head. Starting from the basic, its a bloody Saturday night and I am at home writing this blog, but some how I don't feel miserable, I just feel sufficiently satisfied with myself, considering what a hell hole this week has been and I got to taste some of the most awesome food and free fucking drinks. Hahahaha!!! yeah free loading shit is good shit any day of the year for me, but hats off to the elaborate preparations by the flown in Sri Lankan chefs. Some good hard work and presentation. Mann!! I can't believe I am writing about work and shit over here. I was always under the impression that I would write whatever shit but that would be personal shit for me. Anyways, so there have been things that have been cooking in my head for quite some time now. Let me see if I can arrange them in order and write the crap out of them here. First off, let me start by this hell of a dilemma that I am having with this hell of a woman. Yes! she is that same woman who made me feel that way, the same woman who relentlessly gave and gave and gave herself to me and I like a fuck all jerk just could not see that properly enough. I really feel that something is wrong with me. Why is it that whenever there is something so good staring right at you with open arms, ready to welcome you for all and everything that you are, you just get so fucked in the head that you end up ruining it and hurting the person to unfathomable proportions. Yes, I would here want to take a moment and officially admit that I made her cry, not once, not twice but quite a few times. Honestly, people like me don't even deserve to live and just to prove my point I will have who ever is reading this know that the thought of committing suicide has occurred to me on a whole lot of occasions, its just that I feel that I can't even summon the courage to do something as simple and as deserving as that because trust me if someone were to compare me to the scum of this Earth, a guy like me would actually think that I am being complimented and would smile right back at them and probably even give that person a hug. Fuckkk!! this shit, why did I have to screw this up so bad??? I just don't understand. She was like a fairy tale come true for me. She was practically everything a man could look for in a woman. I guess when you have someone as precious as her one doesn't seem to realize and properly understand their value and the kind of happiness and joy that they bring into our lives. Men are jerks and that includes me as well. I know for a fact that I am not the first one to do something like this and I would right now like to tell every man who could possibly read this blog in any manner that dude please make it up to that woman, she is your life she is who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Love is a strange thing and it needs to be understood the right way, it needs to be respected, it needs to be earned, it needs to be enjoyed by both, it needs compassion, it needs selflessness, it needs honesty and that honesty needs to be rewarded, it needs faith and trust, it needs intimacy, it needs moments of burning passion, it needs more and more love everyday. Love is like a house that is always under construction, you need to just keep adding stuff to it and hope that you could see it complete one day because honestly, no matter how hard you try you will never see the end of TRUE LOVE because it lasts forever across infinite life times and the very fact that this kind of love needs to be built constantly and is never ending in nature should be a motivating aspect for partners who find or discover this kind of love, it needs to push them in such a way so as to make them feel that they will never or can ever do justice to it and believe me you if both entities feel that way about that love they will do everything that they can to try and instill that kind of justice.
Anyways, enough said about that love, hope someone finds it that way one day and sure as hell tells me about it because I did and I can only tell them that I blew it so bad that I have no clue what to do with myself, hence the suicidal tendencies, its not moronic to have such thoughts, people who always think what people who committed suicide weren't thinking don't have the capacity to think to that level, one could ideally say that such people over think things but no! that's not true and I know it. My school friend committed suicide and while I do pray that he is in a better place today I also feel happy for him for the simple fact that whatever he did, for all practical purposes he must have thought things through, I know there's so much at stake when you are out there to take your own life, but I really don't agree that the people who are at stake and are attached to that life one is taking can possibly do enough to make that person feel comforted, be it his/her own parents or real close ones. There are some things which the mind just doesn't let go and wants to keep it some where inside, trapped and sealed and guarded from all and every form of external influence. All of this may seem like some kind of bull shit to you, but I know I am being practical, I myself am quite mad at him for taking his life the way he did, so randomly and I deeply regret the fact that I could not meet him or see his face one last time before he did this to himself, but now that time has passed I have reflected on his actions and if god were to allow me to meet him right now I would not tell him to come back, I would just say to him that bro, I hope you're happy wherever you are because if you're not, only then whatever you did was a mistake, unlike other mistakes not the kind that can bring you back to life but yes, this time your soul will learn from it and will make better decisions now that it is free to be where it wants to be. I would not yell at him or scold him or give him shit so long as I know that he is content with where he is today, this is not a write up to promote suicide or any kind of insanity but it is just to let every human being out there know, that don't judge the dead, because they have seen death and can tell the difference. People over and above his age may have lived long enough but they wouldn't have known what he does now, they may have enough years in them to make an observation, to form an opinion, to probably say something like, " He was just a crazy kid, there's so much more to life than that.". Well, what if for him there wasn't? What if he didn't feel that there was possibly nothing that could fix what was wrong in his life. Just know that some scars are so deep that even time surrenders when it comes to healing them and if a person has the ability to recognize something like that, he/she may not want to live with such a scar their whole life, so give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him that discretion so that he can judge the situation dispassionately and do what he feels is right for him because even suicide is a freedom that every human being deserves rightfully, so just let them who want to and wish to, have it in all their right fullness. Do them a favour and stay out of it.
I know like always I diverted from the topic even this time, but like every other time I don't regret it one bit. I could keep on writing about her for a life time and I will more I promise. She deserves to know what impact she created in my life and how she has changed it. I just pray to god that she never goes through any more pain in her life ever. I just can't see her taking more pain now, I just can't. She has just seen so much and has given so much to the people she loves that its just not fair what life has done to her. May god give her so much love that it heals every wound in her life and does not leave a scar that time can't heal or gets buried so deep inside that it makes her feel that life's not worth living and keeps her happy for the rest of her lovely life. May god shower their blessings on her family, on her son and give them a lifetime of joyful memories to live and leave this world with.
There's just too much to say but I will say all of it, slowly and steadily.
Cheers!!
Anuj
Anyways, enough said about that love, hope someone finds it that way one day and sure as hell tells me about it because I did and I can only tell them that I blew it so bad that I have no clue what to do with myself, hence the suicidal tendencies, its not moronic to have such thoughts, people who always think what people who committed suicide weren't thinking don't have the capacity to think to that level, one could ideally say that such people over think things but no! that's not true and I know it. My school friend committed suicide and while I do pray that he is in a better place today I also feel happy for him for the simple fact that whatever he did, for all practical purposes he must have thought things through, I know there's so much at stake when you are out there to take your own life, but I really don't agree that the people who are at stake and are attached to that life one is taking can possibly do enough to make that person feel comforted, be it his/her own parents or real close ones. There are some things which the mind just doesn't let go and wants to keep it some where inside, trapped and sealed and guarded from all and every form of external influence. All of this may seem like some kind of bull shit to you, but I know I am being practical, I myself am quite mad at him for taking his life the way he did, so randomly and I deeply regret the fact that I could not meet him or see his face one last time before he did this to himself, but now that time has passed I have reflected on his actions and if god were to allow me to meet him right now I would not tell him to come back, I would just say to him that bro, I hope you're happy wherever you are because if you're not, only then whatever you did was a mistake, unlike other mistakes not the kind that can bring you back to life but yes, this time your soul will learn from it and will make better decisions now that it is free to be where it wants to be. I would not yell at him or scold him or give him shit so long as I know that he is content with where he is today, this is not a write up to promote suicide or any kind of insanity but it is just to let every human being out there know, that don't judge the dead, because they have seen death and can tell the difference. People over and above his age may have lived long enough but they wouldn't have known what he does now, they may have enough years in them to make an observation, to form an opinion, to probably say something like, " He was just a crazy kid, there's so much more to life than that.". Well, what if for him there wasn't? What if he didn't feel that there was possibly nothing that could fix what was wrong in his life. Just know that some scars are so deep that even time surrenders when it comes to healing them and if a person has the ability to recognize something like that, he/she may not want to live with such a scar their whole life, so give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him that discretion so that he can judge the situation dispassionately and do what he feels is right for him because even suicide is a freedom that every human being deserves rightfully, so just let them who want to and wish to, have it in all their right fullness. Do them a favour and stay out of it.
I know like always I diverted from the topic even this time, but like every other time I don't regret it one bit. I could keep on writing about her for a life time and I will more I promise. She deserves to know what impact she created in my life and how she has changed it. I just pray to god that she never goes through any more pain in her life ever. I just can't see her taking more pain now, I just can't. She has just seen so much and has given so much to the people she loves that its just not fair what life has done to her. May god give her so much love that it heals every wound in her life and does not leave a scar that time can't heal or gets buried so deep inside that it makes her feel that life's not worth living and keeps her happy for the rest of her lovely life. May god shower their blessings on her family, on her son and give them a lifetime of joyful memories to live and leave this world with.
There's just too much to say but I will say all of it, slowly and steadily.
Cheers!!
Anuj
