Chronicles of Midnight Part - 4

The battle that we refer to as life on so many instances or mostly all of them has its devious ways of wearing you down, tearing you apart and finally, looking down at you with a devilish smirk saying, "How about you stay down this time, bitch?" While, every single one of these occasions has driven me to fight smarter and become stronger, unfortunately, there seems to be a voice telling me to concur with this devil in this instance. I had plans to move out and finally look forward to some form of inner peace which lets just say got dealt with rather harshly. The irony here would be that none of what transpired could remotely be described as rough let alone harsh. Sometimes, in your head you prepare yourself to endure the worst leaving absolutely no room to deal with the tenderness that takes you by surprise. In your mind, you are constantly thinking as to why is this happening so smoothly, what about it is comforting yet disturbing in some ways, how is it that you are getting your way with this yet not meeting your desired outcome? It is for all intents and purposes, truly messed up. Is this the kind of thing families do? I wouldn't know any better because the truth is, I have absolutely no frame of reference whatsoever. Every moment that passes by where I know with certainty that this is what I am yearning for yet not being able to be a part of because sometime somewhere I happened to agree to some things under conditions which were anything but hostile. This has led me to believe if or not I have lost my way, whether or not I made the right decision, the fear of this decision turning into a life-long regret looms largely over my head, like a sword swinging in a pendulum like fashion patiently waiting for the head to reach its mark.

How have I managed to come so far and go through with so much? The real question here is, am I even capable of doing this or was I even meant to do it in the first place? My mind is pondering over an answer as I write this with meagre hopes of finding one. I am made to attend social gatherings where I stare into oblivion only to return with an answer to questions like - "How do you pass your time? What do you like doing here in this small town?" which are often followed by statements like - "I know there isn't much to do around here and for someone your age, it might be even harder to kill time." There you go, you answered your own question. Why make the conscious effort of engaging in conversation at all in the first place, or wait, were you doing this to acknowledge my existence in the room, to some how convey a feeling of belonging, to let me know I am not here merely because I can handle a stick or rather made to since its purely convenience. None of this makes any difference now, prolonged thought gives birth to clarity or at least in my case, it may have ruffled my feathers a bit with the ultimate intention of making me the wise owl. As they say, what good is wisdom if it is of no profit to the wise. A close friend of mine once made a rather intriguing observation about my life, of course this came at a moment where we were indulging in the customary fun banter. Astonishing as to how so much of banter possesses the ability to engage you in moments of self-reflection. Anyhow, coming back to the observation, my friend happened to say this - "You think it's easy, I have ended up making some crazy calls in my life bro. Just think about when was the last crazy call you ever made on your life." Being the prick I am, I immediately came up with a response only to end up with the realisation that this was intended as a rhetorical question and so, I should give it that respect rather than being dismissive about it and letting my impulsive nature get the better of me.

I know they say it is good to be lost only to find your true calling in life somewhere sometime. I am not so sure if this holds true for people who already know of no such calling and have dismissed the idea of it arising at any given moment in time. Does wanting the simple things in life make you a lesser human being or a socially unacceptable individual? Does striving to work for these simple things in your own ways make you appear as though you are clueless? Our minds are as convoluted as they are simple and we inherently give in to the former when we know it is the latter that we desire all along.

Some day, I will look back at all this and smile. Hopefully, that will be a day where I have achieved this inner peace I so adamantly crave and probably crib about too.

The Voice in My Head!

Every time this happens, I am amazed at the sheer power it has over me. This voice that echoes which translates into thoughts which bring back memories and conversations and perspectives. Everything but the much needed peace of mind. What good is this voice I sometimes wonder because on every single occasion it emerges, it presents itself a new meaning. A meaning which makes you rack your brains frivolously, a meaning which hopes to create a purpose and convey a message yet solves no problems. What it does do and takes pride in is creating an atmosphere of doubt, lifelessness, convoluted thoughts and my personal favourite insomnia. At times, I stop to think will I ever be able to get out of this, will it ever stop, will I be free of this, what could I possibly do to make it go away? All this with no favourable outcome.

I used to find it exhausting at first, but somewhere between me fighting this and trying to escape it, my body began to crave it all the more. A cruel addiction of sorts, the kind I would have trouble explaining even to myself solely because I don't understand its origins or for that matter its destination. With its every occurrence, it pulls me further into this web, deeper within its hold, harder to fight and even tougher to control. I don't know how many are out there who happen to be in this state. Every night, I try my best, to prevent myself from being lured into using unnatural means or being tempted to abuse my body just to knock myself out. The only thing that probably haunts me more than anything, is the knowledge that I may not be capable of resisting for too long, the knowledge that I may ultimately indulge, drown myself into the abyss that is substance abuse.

Well, just like everything else in this world, I will continue to put up a worthy fight. I will try till I no longer have a heart which beats or lungs that breathe. I would like to think that there are instances where opportunity envelopes itself in adversity. If that's the case, I will continue to endure till hope itself chooses to vanish from my blood and bones.

Chronicles of midnight: Part 3

Sleep eludes me at a time when it's most indispensable. Random thoughts circling the mind like flying saucers amongst many other things stuck in my head. Some of these I sorely wish to drain out as they feast on my brain like some party parasite. I suppose this is how it's probably meant to be, all bottled up in the cask that is your brain only to be opened on special occasions like some kind of fancy single malt. What is it about these thoughts, we wish to have them when we have time to ourselves yet hesitate to convey them to the people attached to it. You might as well tell that person to take a shovel and start digging inside your head. He or she will surely know once they are through. After that, you can always tell the next person to repeat the exercise. Why can't it be any simpler or maybe it is and I refuse to see it. Stubborn or cautious, reluctant or respectful. I don't know really and besides, who am I to call the shots here.

A lot has happened in my life ever since the last time I wrote about it. I was enslaved, now I am liberated. I used to feel burdened, now I am relaxed. I was misdirected earlier but, there is immense clarity now more than ever. I had stopped to matter to myself which is something I would never wish upon any soul on this planet. One woman for the past 20 months had the power to do all of this to me and I happily let her. I gave this woman my soul and she trampled it with her bare hands. I strived to make her happy only to be met with dissatisfaction on every single occasion. I yearned for her approval only to be turned down. She was the reason I made this career choice and not the so called inspiring wisdom of my own father. To think that she controlled me whenever she deemed it fit, is now a notion as preposterous as the existence of Santa Claus. I let her fool me, I let her use me to fulfill her own wishes, I let her have complete authority over my actions, in fact, she even made me think it was worth while fighting with my parents for it. She dictated my life as though it were chapters from a book. She made me think she was my only priority over and above who, nothing or no one else mattered. She precariously demanded my attention as though I was some kind of an audience, born only to be at her beck and call. All this and more, she was definitely capable of far worse. I am over the moon now, as it has been good riddance for me. A jubilation of sorts felt through some kind of wicked belief of being victorious.

How easily I digress, the heart and mind often have trouble getting along. This occurrence is most visible at times that arise specially to test us. Our mental fortitude over our emotional vulnerability. To give in or get out. To walk away or stride with. They say our choices make us who we are and ought to become in the  future. Well, I can tell you this, if my earlier choice was leading me to an uneventful life, my present one's going to correct the course in all certainty. Pain is just a menial consequence that only springs up if you let it. Not to advocate it's concealing in any way whatsoever, but, it's existence is merely an illusion which our minds ultimately conceive as reality. You will only feel it if you know it to be truly there within you.

I should perhaps now give this sleep some consideration as another day beckons. If there is any consolation to all this, it is in the knowledge that I was able to rectify this mistake before it turned into a life long regret only to make me resort to unpleasant or unwanted mental and physical damage.

Sleep while you should, it's a privilege for the ones who get it when they can. Ask me and I shall tell you more about it.

Chronicles of Midnight - Part 2

Over the years of my meeting and knowing a wide variety of people in places I have visited, cities I have seen, bars I have chilled in and joints I have dined in, I have often said this to myself that "how many of these people actually suffer from what I do and whichever one of them does suffer from this, what do they do and how do they tackle this problem?" Yes, I will admit this that there are people I have met who have told me as to how exactly they deal with this problem and what it is that they resort to for assistance. For those of you seem to think what this problem is, let me explain it in detail to you. This is an extremely common problem faced by numerous people around this world, a problem that in some cases tends to persist despite one's best efforts to fight it. The problem of not being able to sleep at night mostly because you cannot allow your mind to switch off. There was this one time when I had taken the trouble to explain this problem a dear friend of mine, one quite close to me. After I finished explaining my problem to her, she immediately responded, the next time you face any kind of difficulty sleeping, just try closing your eyes and thinking of pitch black. I will say this that given the situation, this advise sound pretty random, more on the lines of being out of the box. It by all means compelled me to stop and think about what she had just said and how it could possibly help me deal with this massive problem. Let me just put matters into context here for any reader glancing through or reading this post rather carefully, there is a reason I refer to this problem as massive and troubling as it is because of this problem that I am writing this post at 2:30 a.m. Not to mention that I am leaning onto alcohol for support in the false hopes of actually falling off to sleep once I am done with this post. Who knows I might write another one or might just wander off into doing something else. The crux of this problem however, is my mind that has over the years developed an increasing amount of difficulty in switching off and not allowing me to fall asleep. These thoughts that keep scratching the surface of my brain and drilling a giant hole in it, constantly poking me and compelling me to think about them. I wish things were simpler, yes this is one of those times that you wished you were a robot, so that you could switch off and on whenever you wanted to, no questions asked and no worries at all. However mechanical it may sound, there is a certain element of relief involved here for someone as hyper active as me, someone whose mind insists on scratching the surface repeatedly, someone who gets unimaginable joy by doing something as redundant as this. What have I become? I wonder if this will ever go away, for now, I can only sit and wait or probably dream of a time when it actually does disappear. One might relate to the disappearance of this problem as being at piece with one self. Although, I highly doubt that, if this is the ultimate analysis of this problem then I am quite certain that this will never go away. I find it hard to even dream of a time where I will be at peace with myself, I would be delusional if I were to one day make that claim.
Alright then, moving on, troubles are everywhere, let us be better at this and talk about something more important or perhaps, a tad bit interesting than a disorder of sorts that ails the common man. Into my second glass of black label whiskey here, I am sitting in my room located in a quaint little town called Mirzapur. A town known for the weaving of its carpets and the legacy of quality weavers who have come and formed settlements in this town in the hopes of earning a livelihood. As time has passed by, there has been a reasonable shift in the attitude of these people towards earning that so-called livelihood that they so adamantly displayed aspirations for. Just to keep any potential reader of this blog informed, I have called it quits at my job in Delhi in the wake of establishing myself and ultimately making use of this business to ask my better half's hand in holy matrimony. I hope that came out right because no matter how many times you read it, there seems to be a blunt and brutal picture attached to that sentence. I maybe wrong, but I see no other way around it despite reading that sentence a million times. Lets just go past this. I love this girl. She has definitely become the center of my universe and I have zero regret as I write this because she has made me realize quite a few things. For one, she has made me understand and discover a whole new meaning of love. She has made me a better person, has taught me how to be selfless and help where and when you can. She has just impacted my life in an altogether different way. I know I wrote something similar about someone else in a previous post, but, to be honest, I would be fooling myself if I were to see any future with that woman. I mean no disrespect, she is quite a lady, one every man can only dream of having as a partner/better half, but this one, she is better than a better half, she is the best half one can ask for. Yes she is unreasonable at times, she may not at once, try and understand where you're coming from, but, she eventually does and she is the sweetest most lovable girl I can dream of being and spending my entire life with. We as an evolved race, have the power or quality to reason everything that happens to us, the potential to discover why it happens and if at all, we want it to happen again. We lead our lives in the hopes of finding new meanings, abstracts that we can live by, uncanny principles that make us augment a superior reality for ourselves, lessons that we wish to only learn in a certain fashion, a person that we hope to become who has tested life in every form possible, who despite testing life that way has reason to believe that there is more, someone who can never put an end to their curiosity, someone who will die wondering if there was more, someone whose never ending thirst for exploration will take itself to its grave.Is this the kind of human being we aspire to become? Let our instincts guide us, allow us to make our share of mistakes, commit these errors in our way and learn as quickly as we can from them. As I write all of this, she is tucked in comfortable in her bed, unconscious and waiting for tomorrow to come and make her just a tab bit lovable than yesterday. There is just so much to write and express, how I wish I could do it all at once. Aghh!! Never mind!!

Let us not allow our weaknesses to define us, let us let them refine us. Make them look like an ancestral tomb, while we gather strength like a child from her mother's womb.

I hope I can write new stuff more often.

Cheers!!

Chronicles of Midnight: Part 1

Let me first start by saying this - I don't fucking believe that there are 405 people on this planet who actually think it is worth their while to spend their precious time viewing or reading my blog. Haha!! that is some unreal shit. Anyhow, moving on, a lot has happened ever since I made the last post here. I don't know if it is safe to say this but I some how tend to believe that I have evolved in some weird way. Alright, just to get every one reading this up to speed, I am completely and insanely in love with this amazing girl whom I have been with for the last 9 months now. I hope the number's correct or else she might just kill me. Also, let me just say this before I vomit my brains out on this white board that as I write this post, I have nothing better to do and this decision is due to the lack of a better idea, due to the absence of better things to do in a petite town like Mirzapur at 3:30 a.m. in the morning. Not to forget the fact that sleep eludes me in every possible manner which is also one of the factors contributing to the decision of writing this blog and yes!! I am on my second single malt of Lismore as I write this lovely post. That just made me realize the length of time it took to finish this bottle as I poured the last few drops of this mega malt into my tiny glass and mixed it with water. This bottle was given to my Dad by my Mom's younger brother about a year back or probably more and so it has taken its fair share of time to wind up in the store room as empty. As each day passes by I am having to realize what a humongous battle it is that I am fighting on a daily basis with sleep. I suppose I could attribute the lack of it to my routine to some extent but I don't really think it is merely a routine change that is causing all of this. This problem is a long standing battle that I get to indulge in every night with myself since it is this bloody mind of mine that I have trouble controlling or cannot possibly refrain from thinking constantly. I fail to understand why something like this happens, at the same time I some where down the line pride myself about it making it look like an act of god's generosity.

Coming to the point now, like I said, a lot has changed ever since my last post here. For starters, I gathered the strength to let go the woman I so fondly wrote about and have since allowed myself to discover love of a completely distinct nature. This recent discovery is quite a remarkable one seeing as how this girl I have fallen for had her sights set on me ever since she walked into my office i.e. Six Degrees. She would sit there silently and expect me to make conversation every time. The profoundness of it just goes to another level as all of this is being told to me just weeks after I have starting dating this girl. The list of things that I have to share here are just so many that at times I have trouble aligning my thoughts in the right order.Okay, let's give this a shot, what according to me seems to be the most astonishing aspect of this relationship is the magnitude of change that I have undergone ever since she stepped into my life. I got drunk and made the reckless decision of walking up to her not having the slightest of clue if or not I would actually want to kiss this girl and then doing the exact same thing ironically at her farewell party. This incident has made me have mixed sentiments about the kind of confidence alcohol bestows upon you. I don't know how much of that confidence can be seen as false and how much of it as true but, the point is it helps you bloody get things going which it did in all its certainty. In fact, it was the 8th of August last year when this incident happened and it is truly hard to come to terms with the fact that it is going to be year now since it all started. Unreal as it may seem, there have been quite a lot of bumps going down this road. Amazingly, I volunteered like a six year old for a fun school project on this one despite being told by her how damaged and broken and god knows what not she was and how I would get to experience, witness and intimately feel every side of her to which I being the headstrong freak that I am responded why of course I will endure all of this and promised her that I will not be the kind of demented and deformed assholes she previously fell for.

There is just so much to say here and every part of me as I write this wishes to continue writing but, as I said, a lot has changed ever since I made my last post and one of those things being the fact that I am back in Mirzapur and have a business engagement tomorrow for which I need to be up by 9 not to forget the fact that I need to wake her up by 8 since she has office. So all of this and more in my next and just a finishing note to the viewers of this blog - thank you so much of actually considering these posts worthy of your time and investing it in viewing/reading them. I am deeply indebted to each one of you for having spent whatever fraction of time it is that you spent visiting this frivolous blog of mine.

Cheers!! and take care every one. Goodnight.

Random Thoughts - 2

So yeah!! its pretty cool to know that this is my tenth post and I have written them all after having at least a couple of drinks. Its the freaking festival of lights and people do want some kind of happiness in their lives, but here's what I fail to understand, what is the kind of happiness that they are looking for? Is it the pretentious kind or the real kind, because I have seen people wanting either or both at the same fucking time. I would see people going to the houses of their close ones and exchanging gifts and the sad part is that I remember the damned expressions on these people's faces when they were packing these wretched gifts. What the fuck is up with that? Why is it so hard for people to live in the real world and acknowledge anything and everything that passes by without passing a freaking judgement. Without carving their damn point of view in stone and this kind of stuff is addictive. It passes around like some god damn flu. People catch this shit and they get affected with the disease and absorb it with all their pride. Of course if the truth be told its their pride that vanishes the very moment they choose to accept something like this but whose to say anything about it, because if you would then you would just be another one of those people passing some kind of judgement at such people.

I think the one's that are always and always on the look out for the real kind of happiness are way better off even though they know that they might have to be brutally honest in order to attain that kind of happiness but I suppose that is a small price to pay for getting something as good and as amazing as that. Who gives a shit if tomorrow I tell someone something they don't want to hear? How much can you run away from something like that, isn't it better that you would rather be prepared to take the hit at once and get on with it? Anyways, fuck it, I just don't feel like thinking about all this anymore. I just can't believe that someone has had such an impact in my life that I haven't been able to think about her ever. Someone who loves so much and has so much to give, someone who is so selfless, so sweet and so loving, someone who will reward your honesty with their endless love. They don't make someone like her anymore and I honestly feel that they never will. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I now have started to think no matter what happens in my life there is not going to be someone like her that I am ever going to meet, like ever because if I had a choice and could tell god to just give me someone I wouldn't say someone like her, I would say just give me her, I don't want someone like her that's not good enough for me, I would force god to understand the difference between similar and same and plead him/her to just grant me this one wish for the rest of my life because I swear if I had met her before whatever it is she went through I would have never let her go out of my sight or out of my mind. I know I was a different person back then but I do know that if I had the chance of having her and loving her I would have never let that go to waste and off the record I swear to god if I ever bump into that dick head ex-husband of her's, so help me god I would not come out until I know there isn't a freaking heart beat left in me to move.

I don't really acknowledge god's existence that well but if there is one I know for a fact that he/she is just trying to fuck with me really bad. I know I have sinned, done some really awful shit in my life and if that person up there really thinks so why does he let me even live for that matter, why hasn't destiny written the chapter of my death till now and even if it has, why is it not close enough because people like me don't deserve to live, people like me never know what they have or appreciate its existence. She will be the only regret I will ever have, the regret of not meeting someone like her at the right time, the regret of not being able to give her what she truly deserves, the regret of not doing what I should have when I was suppose to. I have never felt that way for anyone my entire life and this is not some kind of fucked up Romeo and Juliet crap, this is here to stay, this is for real. I just hope that one day soon enough I do get the chance of getting her back in my life. I hate myself and everything about me without her. I just don't know what's gotten into me after she decided not to be with me the way she was with me. I hate the fact that we are not as close as we were back then, there's nothing that I would not do just to get her back the way she was in my life. Ohh!! man will this feeling ever go or be replaced by the person who is responsible for this feeling in the first place.

Whiskey really does amazing things to you and I think I am starting to feel its ever longing effect on me. I just can't imagine how crazy I am about this woman, how she has just been able to do this to me, make me think about her so much that I have become so helpless. What is it about her I just don't know that drives me so crazy? This large one is going to have its due. I just want her to be happy, to be at a place where she finds herself content in every possible way but then what do I do about this feeling, how the fuck do I lick these wounds, how do I bring myself to think that maybe I will never be able to have her ever again because the more I think about this the more I don't want it to happen. Why is this happening to me? I really don't think anyone can answer this question because if there are people in this world who have found love, I honestly don't think it is of this kind and intensity. She doesn't give a fuck about who thinks what about her yet she has this amazing ability to make people feel the way I do about her. I love her with all my heart and I just want her to know that if ever she was to find someone she thinks she can be with, I just hope and pray with all my heart that he is someone who can love her more than she loves him, he can give her what she truly deserves because she just does not deserve to be with someone who cannot do all that for her. This never ending selflessness is a quality that needs to be carved in the soul of that person whom she thinks is capable enough to be with her. She can never ever settle for anything less than that and I hope she never does. She has given me memories that I will take to my grave, that is something I know for sure, no matter what happens, the moments that I have shared with her will never ever leave me no matter what happens or who ever enters my life. I hate to say this but even if I do end up being with someone now, I will always compare that person to her and how she was when she was with me.

With this I want to end this but I know for a fact that I will be writing more and more about her and all of it.

Let love be what it is rather than making it what it should not be or doesn't want to be. Love like there's no tomorrow and you will know in your hearts that you loved the way love was suppose to be given.

Cheers!!! 

Random Thoughts - Part 1

So now what I am thinking I will do is, try to write this one off kind of a series where I shall try and capture every random freaking thought that pops up in my head. Starting from the basic, its a bloody Saturday night and I am at home writing this blog, but some how I don't feel miserable, I just feel sufficiently satisfied with myself, considering what a hell hole this week has been and I got to taste some of the most awesome food and free fucking drinks. Hahahaha!!! yeah free loading shit is good shit any day of the year for me, but hats off to the elaborate preparations by the flown in Sri Lankan chefs. Some good hard work and presentation. Mann!! I can't believe I am writing about work and shit over here. I was always under the impression that I would write whatever shit but that would be personal shit for me. Anyways, so there have been things that have been cooking in my head for quite some time now. Let me see if I can arrange them in order and write the crap out of them here. First off, let me start by this hell of a dilemma that I am having with this hell of a woman. Yes! she is that same woman who made me feel that way, the same woman who relentlessly gave and gave and gave herself to me and I like a fuck all jerk just could not see that properly enough. I really feel that something is wrong with me. Why is it that whenever there is something so good staring right at you with open arms, ready to welcome you for all and everything that you are, you just get so fucked in the head that you end up ruining it and hurting the person to unfathomable proportions. Yes, I would here want to take a moment and officially admit that I made her cry, not once, not twice but quite a few times. Honestly, people like me don't even deserve to live and just to prove my point I will have who ever is reading this know that the thought of committing suicide has occurred to me on a whole lot of occasions, its just that I feel that I can't even summon the courage to do something as simple and as deserving as that because trust me if someone were to compare me to the scum of this Earth, a guy like me would actually think that I am being complimented and would smile right back at them and probably even give that person a hug. Fuckkk!! this shit, why did I have to screw this up so bad??? I just don't understand. She was like a fairy tale come true for me. She was practically everything a man could look for in a woman. I guess when you have someone as precious as her one doesn't seem to realize and properly understand their value and the kind of happiness and joy that they bring into our lives. Men are jerks and that includes me as well. I know for a fact that I am not the first one to do something like this and I would right now like to tell every man who could possibly read this blog in any manner that dude please make it up to that woman, she is your life she is who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Love is a strange thing and it needs to be understood the right way, it needs to be respected, it needs to be earned, it needs to be enjoyed by both, it needs compassion, it needs selflessness, it needs honesty and that honesty needs to be rewarded, it needs faith and trust, it needs intimacy, it needs moments of burning passion, it needs more and more love everyday. Love is like a house that is always under construction, you need to just keep adding stuff to it and hope that you could see it complete one day because honestly, no matter how hard you try you will never see the end of TRUE LOVE because it lasts forever across infinite life times and the very fact that this kind of love needs to be built constantly and is never ending in nature should be a motivating aspect for partners who find or discover this kind of love, it needs to push them in such a way so as to make them feel that they will never or can ever do justice to it and believe me you if both entities feel that way about that love they will do everything that they can to try and instill that kind of justice.
Anyways, enough said about that love, hope someone finds it that way one day and sure as hell tells me about it because I did and I can only tell them that I blew it so bad that I have no clue what to do with myself, hence the suicidal tendencies, its not moronic to have such thoughts, people who always think what people who committed suicide weren't thinking don't have the capacity to think to that level, one could ideally say that such people over think things but no! that's not true and I know it. My school friend committed suicide and while I do pray that he is in a better place today I also feel happy for him for the simple fact that whatever he did, for all practical purposes he must have thought things through, I know there's so much at stake when you are out there to take your own life, but I really don't agree that the people who are at stake and are attached to that life one is taking can possibly do enough to make that person feel comforted, be it his/her own parents or real close ones. There are some things which the mind just doesn't let go and wants to keep it some where inside, trapped and sealed and guarded from all and every form of external influence. All of this may seem like some kind of bull shit to you, but I know I am being practical, I myself am quite mad at him for taking his life the way he did, so randomly and I deeply regret the fact that I could not meet him or see his face one last time before he did this to himself, but now that time has passed I have reflected on his actions and if god were to allow me to meet him right now I would not tell him to come back, I would just say to him that bro, I hope you're happy wherever you are because if you're not, only then whatever you did was a mistake, unlike other mistakes not the kind that can bring you back to life but yes, this time your soul will learn from it and will make better decisions now that it is free to be where it wants to be. I would not yell at him or scold him or give him shit so long as I know that he is content with where he is today, this is not a write up to promote suicide or any kind of insanity but it is just to let every human being out there know, that don't judge the dead, because they have seen death and can tell the difference. People over and above his age may have lived long enough but they wouldn't have known what he does now, they may have enough years in them to make an observation, to form an opinion, to probably say something like, " He was just a crazy kid, there's so much more to life than that.". Well, what if for him there wasn't? What if he didn't feel that there was possibly nothing that could fix what was wrong in his life. Just know that some scars are so deep that even time surrenders when it comes to healing them and if a person has the ability to recognize something like that, he/she may not want to live with such a scar their whole life, so give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him that discretion so that he can judge the situation dispassionately and do what he feels is right for him because even suicide is a freedom that every human being deserves rightfully, so just let them who want to and wish to, have it in all their right fullness. Do them a favour and stay out of it.
I know like always I diverted from the topic even this time, but like every other time I don't regret it one bit. I could keep on writing about her for a life time and I will more I promise. She deserves to know what impact she created in my life and how she has changed it. I just pray to god that she never goes through any more pain in her life ever. I just can't see her taking more pain now, I just can't. She has just seen so much and has given so much to the people she loves that its just not fair what life has done to her. May god give her so much love that it heals every wound in her life and does not leave a scar that time can't heal or gets buried so deep inside that it makes her feel that life's not worth living and keeps her happy for the rest of her lovely life. May god shower their blessings on her family, on her son and give them a lifetime of joyful memories to live and leave this world with.

There's just too much to say but I will say all of it, slowly and steadily.

Cheers!!

Anuj