Reaching The Point of No Return!!

Yes this point of no return is what my folks have successfully managed to reach with me. Yesterday I was given all sorts of crap for not sharing my plans with them regarding my trip down south. Well, as always I did not have much to say to that but, I did try telling my father the fact that I informed my mother as soon as the trip got confirmed which was more than couple of weeks before the deadline if one can call it that. I think my folks have lost all faith and trust in me, they certainly feel that there is no scope for change, my father yesterday confirmed this statement when he delightfully told me that I know you value your friends more than your family but at least you could have shared your plans with me, hell!! I came to know through someone else, yes he used the words someone else and that someone else is his own wife my mother whom I naturally expected to let my father know about my plans the moment I shared with her, but I think its all gone too far now. Its morning here, and I haven't engaged much in conversation with my parents. Ohh!! and before I forget to mention the reason behind them being absolutely pissed is that I live with my granddad and my mom's going to go back home tomorrow and my trip's for 8 to 10 days during which my granddad will be all alone so making arrangements for that is getting pretty hard and is playing on her head because she can't ask her elder brother to take care of his own father and keep him at his home for just 10 days, that is the kind of trouble there is in my family, you know all of this often makes me wonder that is it our destiny to always be at the sacrificing end, do we not get a say in this, do we just have to go on and bow down to the demands of the other person. I may sound selfish or something right now, but I am talking with reference to my mum's elder brother who for some reason cannot co-operate, who after taking care of my grandma and grandpa for more than 30 years of his damn life cannot share his own fuckin' home with my grandpa for 10 fuckin' days. Such is the plight that poisons this family to unimaginable extent. Yesterday, my mother made a very interesting comment after my dad got after her with the nagging complaint that something's not right about grandpa this evening, he's not even talking properly and while sitting at the dinner table he wasn't even bothered about the TV serials he so diligently follows. After so much prodding my mum finally came up with a response that made such perfect sense, she said of course he's not behaving normally after knowing that I am leaving this Sunday and then when my dad poked even further she came back with a scathing retort saying, that everybody else in my family is living their own lives, so what I can't. It was almost as if she was talking like a prisoner. Someone who had been forced to undergo things she deeply hated or something, some kind of regret that lay buried inside her which she refused to let out or speak about. I know that feeling very well, it doesn't take much for someone of my nature to understand something like this and recognize that feeling the moment it sprouts, I have been experiencing a similar feeling for quite sometime now, man!! how I wish my mum could be given an opportunity to write a blog or something like me because I can assure you if she did and expressed herself as freely as I am expressing right now I would give an arm and a leg to read it and keep reading it for eternity. There is just unfathomable regret and frustration that remains buried in that head and heart of hers which I would really want to know about but its just that she would never write about it or speak very openly either.
Anyways, there is no point dwelling on something that can never happen because down the road this dwelling turns into a regret which I for one refuse to have. I take nothing away from her for the mere fact that she has been through so much, taken flak from as far as I know every fuckin' member of this family and yet not retaliated the way many would after going through what she has or is undergoing as I write this. This vacation of mine has caused irrepairable damage on my family, it has confirmed my lack of faith and trust in them and has made them think I have my priorities all mixed up. Truth be told I don't even know how to handle this. Just like my profile statement I AM LOST, like seriously. I can probably go to any lengths of having infinite conversations with my folks on this, but something tells me that I already know the end result of that, the inevitable conclusion that I cannot change, something that's already been written in indelible ink for eternity. At the most I could spend the rest of my life trying to scrape it off but, whose to know even that wouldn't be good enough. I know I am sounding like a real quitter here, but this is different, quitters give up before trying, in my case I already know that my trying won't impact anything or anyone, its like the result has already been declared and I am just trying my best to make amends to that. This is not quitting, this is letting people attain the comfort in their beliefs. This is a futuristic statement in the present and the ones responsible to make changes in this futuristic statement are the ones who need to attain that comfort.

I think I will sign off now, enough said about the dilemma that surrounds this retarded life of mine.


Adios Amigos!!

Cheers!! 

The Weird Feeling!!

Okay I think i'll just say this one out loud. I feel there is no one in this world with the power to tag a feeling. Its just a feeling dude, don't call it names and be racist. Why should it be weird, good, bad, sinking, nice or whatever the hell it is that people these days use to tag these kind of things. If you're under the impression that I am saying all this because I have some kind of so called "weird" feeling then HELL YEAH!! I do but I refuse to submit to the mere fact that anyone has the fuckin' right to call it "weird". Here as I speak my very intelligent uncle is calling his wife a garbage collector and making taunts to his wife saying "should I throw the clothes out of the suitcase just to accommodate your stuff that you were suppose to bring while coming back home. He lives in California by the way. A total jackass!! I always thought but could never gather the will to knowing how it would hurt my mother tell her what a royal piece of shit her younger brother is. Again, as I wrote that sentence he was on the phone with his wife asking her to not piss the shit out of him and trouble him at this time of the night if its not something important, the temperamental level of this man just amazes me at times. He is by far the most elusive breed of human beings I have ever interacted with in my life. With the mental age of a freakin' 10 year old human behaviour is something he doesn't have the slightest of clues about. I am practical in life and I know that very well but this guy, dude he's a total home wrecker man. Not only does he treat his wife with utter disrespect but he has absofuckinlutely no sense of conveying meaningful things to people who are more than twice his age. His own father doesn't know how to converse with him in a manner more discreet and calm despite the fact that he is what he is because of this 85 year old man. He just doesn't know how to speak to people at all. Like really at all. When my mum told me that he does not express himself in the best of ways, I was totally ok with it but, here's my analogy to all of this, if you feel you cannot make it with the mouth take a different route bro, who the fuck is stopping you, if you love these people who you do so much for then make this one effort also, but I guess he's too proud of something I don't know what that is to make this decision and strive to make his communication and presence felt more relaxing to the people he's surrounded by.

At times I feel what a dick head I am, I start with something and go off on a tangent totally unrelated to what I begin with. I don't think any number of apologies would bring this mistake to justice. So, sorry again to whoever is reading this. Anyways, coming back, that "weird" feeling, yeah you racist man/woman, you don't know what you're talking about when you put a name to it. You wanna do names go ahead I have tons of them for you too. Yes I do feel that words and emotions are something that are fragile, volatile and all of it. They need to be used properly and in a manner that each of them does justice to the other and since it is our race that has the privilege of knowing most of these WORDS it is my most honest appeal to this entire race that please strive towards this verbal/written justice because as I write this deep down in the darkest corners of my heart I certainly wish that every word is being justified by the word in front of it or for that matter behind it. Haha!! I didn't wanna say behind it because that would just make it sound really wrong. Coming out of the humour chamber, yeah its true that I have had that feeling and as I write this I am thinking about the person whose responsible for giving me this feeling. There's something about her that makes my feelings go in those directions, I feel she understands me and the time that we have spent in these 8 to 10 months at work I guess it would make me say that its nice to feel needed. Its nice to know that someone wants to keep their trust papers with you at all times. She has been much more than just a great friend to me in the past 10 months at work. She has made me feel needed and passed on an affection that it is truly pure and sacred, but like most affection I only wish this is just different not like the rest of the bunch. I am falling for her and I hope and pray that some part of her makes her see that in me.

Yes this is the weird feeling but for reasons known and personal to me. I wish I could share more about this feeling with you all but somehow its her I care about more than myself for the first time and hope to keep it that way.

Adios Amigos!! Cheers!! Have a wild Saturday night.