Chronicles of Midnight - Part 2

Over the years of my meeting and knowing a wide variety of people in places I have visited, cities I have seen, bars I have chilled in and joints I have dined in, I have often said this to myself that "how many of these people actually suffer from what I do and whichever one of them does suffer from this, what do they do and how do they tackle this problem?" Yes, I will admit this that there are people I have met who have told me as to how exactly they deal with this problem and what it is that they resort to for assistance. For those of you seem to think what this problem is, let me explain it in detail to you. This is an extremely common problem faced by numerous people around this world, a problem that in some cases tends to persist despite one's best efforts to fight it. The problem of not being able to sleep at night mostly because you cannot allow your mind to switch off. There was this one time when I had taken the trouble to explain this problem a dear friend of mine, one quite close to me. After I finished explaining my problem to her, she immediately responded, the next time you face any kind of difficulty sleeping, just try closing your eyes and thinking of pitch black. I will say this that given the situation, this advise sound pretty random, more on the lines of being out of the box. It by all means compelled me to stop and think about what she had just said and how it could possibly help me deal with this massive problem. Let me just put matters into context here for any reader glancing through or reading this post rather carefully, there is a reason I refer to this problem as massive and troubling as it is because of this problem that I am writing this post at 2:30 a.m. Not to mention that I am leaning onto alcohol for support in the false hopes of actually falling off to sleep once I am done with this post. Who knows I might write another one or might just wander off into doing something else. The crux of this problem however, is my mind that has over the years developed an increasing amount of difficulty in switching off and not allowing me to fall asleep. These thoughts that keep scratching the surface of my brain and drilling a giant hole in it, constantly poking me and compelling me to think about them. I wish things were simpler, yes this is one of those times that you wished you were a robot, so that you could switch off and on whenever you wanted to, no questions asked and no worries at all. However mechanical it may sound, there is a certain element of relief involved here for someone as hyper active as me, someone whose mind insists on scratching the surface repeatedly, someone who gets unimaginable joy by doing something as redundant as this. What have I become? I wonder if this will ever go away, for now, I can only sit and wait or probably dream of a time when it actually does disappear. One might relate to the disappearance of this problem as being at piece with one self. Although, I highly doubt that, if this is the ultimate analysis of this problem then I am quite certain that this will never go away. I find it hard to even dream of a time where I will be at peace with myself, I would be delusional if I were to one day make that claim.
Alright then, moving on, troubles are everywhere, let us be better at this and talk about something more important or perhaps, a tad bit interesting than a disorder of sorts that ails the common man. Into my second glass of black label whiskey here, I am sitting in my room located in a quaint little town called Mirzapur. A town known for the weaving of its carpets and the legacy of quality weavers who have come and formed settlements in this town in the hopes of earning a livelihood. As time has passed by, there has been a reasonable shift in the attitude of these people towards earning that so-called livelihood that they so adamantly displayed aspirations for. Just to keep any potential reader of this blog informed, I have called it quits at my job in Delhi in the wake of establishing myself and ultimately making use of this business to ask my better half's hand in holy matrimony. I hope that came out right because no matter how many times you read it, there seems to be a blunt and brutal picture attached to that sentence. I maybe wrong, but I see no other way around it despite reading that sentence a million times. Lets just go past this. I love this girl. She has definitely become the center of my universe and I have zero regret as I write this because she has made me realize quite a few things. For one, she has made me understand and discover a whole new meaning of love. She has made me a better person, has taught me how to be selfless and help where and when you can. She has just impacted my life in an altogether different way. I know I wrote something similar about someone else in a previous post, but, to be honest, I would be fooling myself if I were to see any future with that woman. I mean no disrespect, she is quite a lady, one every man can only dream of having as a partner/better half, but this one, she is better than a better half, she is the best half one can ask for. Yes she is unreasonable at times, she may not at once, try and understand where you're coming from, but, she eventually does and she is the sweetest most lovable girl I can dream of being and spending my entire life with. We as an evolved race, have the power or quality to reason everything that happens to us, the potential to discover why it happens and if at all, we want it to happen again. We lead our lives in the hopes of finding new meanings, abstracts that we can live by, uncanny principles that make us augment a superior reality for ourselves, lessons that we wish to only learn in a certain fashion, a person that we hope to become who has tested life in every form possible, who despite testing life that way has reason to believe that there is more, someone who can never put an end to their curiosity, someone who will die wondering if there was more, someone whose never ending thirst for exploration will take itself to its grave.Is this the kind of human being we aspire to become? Let our instincts guide us, allow us to make our share of mistakes, commit these errors in our way and learn as quickly as we can from them. As I write all of this, she is tucked in comfortable in her bed, unconscious and waiting for tomorrow to come and make her just a tab bit lovable than yesterday. There is just so much to write and express, how I wish I could do it all at once. Aghh!! Never mind!!

Let us not allow our weaknesses to define us, let us let them refine us. Make them look like an ancestral tomb, while we gather strength like a child from her mother's womb.

I hope I can write new stuff more often.

Cheers!!

Chronicles of Midnight: Part 1

Let me first start by saying this - I don't fucking believe that there are 405 people on this planet who actually think it is worth their while to spend their precious time viewing or reading my blog. Haha!! that is some unreal shit. Anyhow, moving on, a lot has happened ever since I made the last post here. I don't know if it is safe to say this but I some how tend to believe that I have evolved in some weird way. Alright, just to get every one reading this up to speed, I am completely and insanely in love with this amazing girl whom I have been with for the last 9 months now. I hope the number's correct or else she might just kill me. Also, let me just say this before I vomit my brains out on this white board that as I write this post, I have nothing better to do and this decision is due to the lack of a better idea, due to the absence of better things to do in a petite town like Mirzapur at 3:30 a.m. in the morning. Not to forget the fact that sleep eludes me in every possible manner which is also one of the factors contributing to the decision of writing this blog and yes!! I am on my second single malt of Lismore as I write this lovely post. That just made me realize the length of time it took to finish this bottle as I poured the last few drops of this mega malt into my tiny glass and mixed it with water. This bottle was given to my Dad by my Mom's younger brother about a year back or probably more and so it has taken its fair share of time to wind up in the store room as empty. As each day passes by I am having to realize what a humongous battle it is that I am fighting on a daily basis with sleep. I suppose I could attribute the lack of it to my routine to some extent but I don't really think it is merely a routine change that is causing all of this. This problem is a long standing battle that I get to indulge in every night with myself since it is this bloody mind of mine that I have trouble controlling or cannot possibly refrain from thinking constantly. I fail to understand why something like this happens, at the same time I some where down the line pride myself about it making it look like an act of god's generosity.

Coming to the point now, like I said, a lot has changed ever since my last post here. For starters, I gathered the strength to let go the woman I so fondly wrote about and have since allowed myself to discover love of a completely distinct nature. This recent discovery is quite a remarkable one seeing as how this girl I have fallen for had her sights set on me ever since she walked into my office i.e. Six Degrees. She would sit there silently and expect me to make conversation every time. The profoundness of it just goes to another level as all of this is being told to me just weeks after I have starting dating this girl. The list of things that I have to share here are just so many that at times I have trouble aligning my thoughts in the right order.Okay, let's give this a shot, what according to me seems to be the most astonishing aspect of this relationship is the magnitude of change that I have undergone ever since she stepped into my life. I got drunk and made the reckless decision of walking up to her not having the slightest of clue if or not I would actually want to kiss this girl and then doing the exact same thing ironically at her farewell party. This incident has made me have mixed sentiments about the kind of confidence alcohol bestows upon you. I don't know how much of that confidence can be seen as false and how much of it as true but, the point is it helps you bloody get things going which it did in all its certainty. In fact, it was the 8th of August last year when this incident happened and it is truly hard to come to terms with the fact that it is going to be year now since it all started. Unreal as it may seem, there have been quite a lot of bumps going down this road. Amazingly, I volunteered like a six year old for a fun school project on this one despite being told by her how damaged and broken and god knows what not she was and how I would get to experience, witness and intimately feel every side of her to which I being the headstrong freak that I am responded why of course I will endure all of this and promised her that I will not be the kind of demented and deformed assholes she previously fell for.

There is just so much to say here and every part of me as I write this wishes to continue writing but, as I said, a lot has changed ever since I made my last post and one of those things being the fact that I am back in Mirzapur and have a business engagement tomorrow for which I need to be up by 9 not to forget the fact that I need to wake her up by 8 since she has office. So all of this and more in my next and just a finishing note to the viewers of this blog - thank you so much of actually considering these posts worthy of your time and investing it in viewing/reading them. I am deeply indebted to each one of you for having spent whatever fraction of time it is that you spent visiting this frivolous blog of mine.

Cheers!! and take care every one. Goodnight.