Sleep eludes me at a time when it's most indispensable. Random thoughts circling the mind like flying saucers amongst many other things stuck in my head. Some of these I sorely wish to drain out as they feast on my brain like some party parasite. I suppose this is how it's probably meant to be, all bottled up in the cask that is your brain only to be opened on special occasions like some kind of fancy single malt. What is it about these thoughts, we wish to have them when we have time to ourselves yet hesitate to convey them to the people attached to it. You might as well tell that person to take a shovel and start digging inside your head. He or she will surely know once they are through. After that, you can always tell the next person to repeat the exercise. Why can't it be any simpler or maybe it is and I refuse to see it. Stubborn or cautious, reluctant or respectful. I don't know really and besides, who am I to call the shots here.
A lot has happened in my life ever since the last time I wrote about it. I was enslaved, now I am liberated. I used to feel burdened, now I am relaxed. I was misdirected earlier but, there is immense clarity now more than ever. I had stopped to matter to myself which is something I would never wish upon any soul on this planet. One woman for the past 20 months had the power to do all of this to me and I happily let her. I gave this woman my soul and she trampled it with her bare hands. I strived to make her happy only to be met with dissatisfaction on every single occasion. I yearned for her approval only to be turned down. She was the reason I made this career choice and not the so called inspiring wisdom of my own father. To think that she controlled me whenever she deemed it fit, is now a notion as preposterous as the existence of Santa Claus. I let her fool me, I let her use me to fulfill her own wishes, I let her have complete authority over my actions, in fact, she even made me think it was worth while fighting with my parents for it. She dictated my life as though it were chapters from a book. She made me think she was my only priority over and above who, nothing or no one else mattered. She precariously demanded my attention as though I was some kind of an audience, born only to be at her beck and call. All this and more, she was definitely capable of far worse. I am over the moon now, as it has been good riddance for me. A jubilation of sorts felt through some kind of wicked belief of being victorious.
How easily I digress, the heart and mind often have trouble getting along. This occurrence is most visible at times that arise specially to test us. Our mental fortitude over our emotional vulnerability. To give in or get out. To walk away or stride with. They say our choices make us who we are and ought to become in the future. Well, I can tell you this, if my earlier choice was leading me to an uneventful life, my present one's going to correct the course in all certainty. Pain is just a menial consequence that only springs up if you let it. Not to advocate it's concealing in any way whatsoever, but, it's existence is merely an illusion which our minds ultimately conceive as reality. You will only feel it if you know it to be truly there within you.
I should perhaps now give this sleep some consideration as another day beckons. If there is any consolation to all this, it is in the knowledge that I was able to rectify this mistake before it turned into a life long regret only to make me resort to unpleasant or unwanted mental and physical damage.
Sleep while you should, it's a privilege for the ones who get it when they can. Ask me and I shall tell you more about it.
