Every time this happens, I am amazed at the sheer power it has over me. This voice that echoes which translates into thoughts which bring back memories and conversations and perspectives. Everything but the much needed peace of mind. What good is this voice I sometimes wonder because on every single occasion it emerges, it presents itself a new meaning. A meaning which makes you rack your brains frivolously, a meaning which hopes to create a purpose and convey a message yet solves no problems. What it does do and takes pride in is creating an atmosphere of doubt, lifelessness, convoluted thoughts and my personal favourite insomnia. At times, I stop to think will I ever be able to get out of this, will it ever stop, will I be free of this, what could I possibly do to make it go away? All this with no favourable outcome.
I used to find it exhausting at first, but somewhere between me fighting this and trying to escape it, my body began to crave it all the more. A cruel addiction of sorts, the kind I would have trouble explaining even to myself solely because I don't understand its origins or for that matter its destination. With its every occurrence, it pulls me further into this web, deeper within its hold, harder to fight and even tougher to control. I don't know how many are out there who happen to be in this state. Every night, I try my best, to prevent myself from being lured into using unnatural means or being tempted to abuse my body just to knock myself out. The only thing that probably haunts me more than anything, is the knowledge that I may not be capable of resisting for too long, the knowledge that I may ultimately indulge, drown myself into the abyss that is substance abuse.
Well, just like everything else in this world, I will continue to put up a worthy fight. I will try till I no longer have a heart which beats or lungs that breathe. I would like to think that there are instances where opportunity envelopes itself in adversity. If that's the case, I will continue to endure till hope itself chooses to vanish from my blood and bones.
