Random Thoughts - 2

So yeah!! its pretty cool to know that this is my tenth post and I have written them all after having at least a couple of drinks. Its the freaking festival of lights and people do want some kind of happiness in their lives, but here's what I fail to understand, what is the kind of happiness that they are looking for? Is it the pretentious kind or the real kind, because I have seen people wanting either or both at the same fucking time. I would see people going to the houses of their close ones and exchanging gifts and the sad part is that I remember the damned expressions on these people's faces when they were packing these wretched gifts. What the fuck is up with that? Why is it so hard for people to live in the real world and acknowledge anything and everything that passes by without passing a freaking judgement. Without carving their damn point of view in stone and this kind of stuff is addictive. It passes around like some god damn flu. People catch this shit and they get affected with the disease and absorb it with all their pride. Of course if the truth be told its their pride that vanishes the very moment they choose to accept something like this but whose to say anything about it, because if you would then you would just be another one of those people passing some kind of judgement at such people.

I think the one's that are always and always on the look out for the real kind of happiness are way better off even though they know that they might have to be brutally honest in order to attain that kind of happiness but I suppose that is a small price to pay for getting something as good and as amazing as that. Who gives a shit if tomorrow I tell someone something they don't want to hear? How much can you run away from something like that, isn't it better that you would rather be prepared to take the hit at once and get on with it? Anyways, fuck it, I just don't feel like thinking about all this anymore. I just can't believe that someone has had such an impact in my life that I haven't been able to think about her ever. Someone who loves so much and has so much to give, someone who is so selfless, so sweet and so loving, someone who will reward your honesty with their endless love. They don't make someone like her anymore and I honestly feel that they never will. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I now have started to think no matter what happens in my life there is not going to be someone like her that I am ever going to meet, like ever because if I had a choice and could tell god to just give me someone I wouldn't say someone like her, I would say just give me her, I don't want someone like her that's not good enough for me, I would force god to understand the difference between similar and same and plead him/her to just grant me this one wish for the rest of my life because I swear if I had met her before whatever it is she went through I would have never let her go out of my sight or out of my mind. I know I was a different person back then but I do know that if I had the chance of having her and loving her I would have never let that go to waste and off the record I swear to god if I ever bump into that dick head ex-husband of her's, so help me god I would not come out until I know there isn't a freaking heart beat left in me to move.

I don't really acknowledge god's existence that well but if there is one I know for a fact that he/she is just trying to fuck with me really bad. I know I have sinned, done some really awful shit in my life and if that person up there really thinks so why does he let me even live for that matter, why hasn't destiny written the chapter of my death till now and even if it has, why is it not close enough because people like me don't deserve to live, people like me never know what they have or appreciate its existence. She will be the only regret I will ever have, the regret of not meeting someone like her at the right time, the regret of not being able to give her what she truly deserves, the regret of not doing what I should have when I was suppose to. I have never felt that way for anyone my entire life and this is not some kind of fucked up Romeo and Juliet crap, this is here to stay, this is for real. I just hope that one day soon enough I do get the chance of getting her back in my life. I hate myself and everything about me without her. I just don't know what's gotten into me after she decided not to be with me the way she was with me. I hate the fact that we are not as close as we were back then, there's nothing that I would not do just to get her back the way she was in my life. Ohh!! man will this feeling ever go or be replaced by the person who is responsible for this feeling in the first place.

Whiskey really does amazing things to you and I think I am starting to feel its ever longing effect on me. I just can't imagine how crazy I am about this woman, how she has just been able to do this to me, make me think about her so much that I have become so helpless. What is it about her I just don't know that drives me so crazy? This large one is going to have its due. I just want her to be happy, to be at a place where she finds herself content in every possible way but then what do I do about this feeling, how the fuck do I lick these wounds, how do I bring myself to think that maybe I will never be able to have her ever again because the more I think about this the more I don't want it to happen. Why is this happening to me? I really don't think anyone can answer this question because if there are people in this world who have found love, I honestly don't think it is of this kind and intensity. She doesn't give a fuck about who thinks what about her yet she has this amazing ability to make people feel the way I do about her. I love her with all my heart and I just want her to know that if ever she was to find someone she thinks she can be with, I just hope and pray with all my heart that he is someone who can love her more than she loves him, he can give her what she truly deserves because she just does not deserve to be with someone who cannot do all that for her. This never ending selflessness is a quality that needs to be carved in the soul of that person whom she thinks is capable enough to be with her. She can never ever settle for anything less than that and I hope she never does. She has given me memories that I will take to my grave, that is something I know for sure, no matter what happens, the moments that I have shared with her will never ever leave me no matter what happens or who ever enters my life. I hate to say this but even if I do end up being with someone now, I will always compare that person to her and how she was when she was with me.

With this I want to end this but I know for a fact that I will be writing more and more about her and all of it.

Let love be what it is rather than making it what it should not be or doesn't want to be. Love like there's no tomorrow and you will know in your hearts that you loved the way love was suppose to be given.

Cheers!!! 

Random Thoughts - Part 1

So now what I am thinking I will do is, try to write this one off kind of a series where I shall try and capture every random freaking thought that pops up in my head. Starting from the basic, its a bloody Saturday night and I am at home writing this blog, but some how I don't feel miserable, I just feel sufficiently satisfied with myself, considering what a hell hole this week has been and I got to taste some of the most awesome food and free fucking drinks. Hahahaha!!! yeah free loading shit is good shit any day of the year for me, but hats off to the elaborate preparations by the flown in Sri Lankan chefs. Some good hard work and presentation. Mann!! I can't believe I am writing about work and shit over here. I was always under the impression that I would write whatever shit but that would be personal shit for me. Anyways, so there have been things that have been cooking in my head for quite some time now. Let me see if I can arrange them in order and write the crap out of them here. First off, let me start by this hell of a dilemma that I am having with this hell of a woman. Yes! she is that same woman who made me feel that way, the same woman who relentlessly gave and gave and gave herself to me and I like a fuck all jerk just could not see that properly enough. I really feel that something is wrong with me. Why is it that whenever there is something so good staring right at you with open arms, ready to welcome you for all and everything that you are, you just get so fucked in the head that you end up ruining it and hurting the person to unfathomable proportions. Yes, I would here want to take a moment and officially admit that I made her cry, not once, not twice but quite a few times. Honestly, people like me don't even deserve to live and just to prove my point I will have who ever is reading this know that the thought of committing suicide has occurred to me on a whole lot of occasions, its just that I feel that I can't even summon the courage to do something as simple and as deserving as that because trust me if someone were to compare me to the scum of this Earth, a guy like me would actually think that I am being complimented and would smile right back at them and probably even give that person a hug. Fuckkk!! this shit, why did I have to screw this up so bad??? I just don't understand. She was like a fairy tale come true for me. She was practically everything a man could look for in a woman. I guess when you have someone as precious as her one doesn't seem to realize and properly understand their value and the kind of happiness and joy that they bring into our lives. Men are jerks and that includes me as well. I know for a fact that I am not the first one to do something like this and I would right now like to tell every man who could possibly read this blog in any manner that dude please make it up to that woman, she is your life she is who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Love is a strange thing and it needs to be understood the right way, it needs to be respected, it needs to be earned, it needs to be enjoyed by both, it needs compassion, it needs selflessness, it needs honesty and that honesty needs to be rewarded, it needs faith and trust, it needs intimacy, it needs moments of burning passion, it needs more and more love everyday. Love is like a house that is always under construction, you need to just keep adding stuff to it and hope that you could see it complete one day because honestly, no matter how hard you try you will never see the end of TRUE LOVE because it lasts forever across infinite life times and the very fact that this kind of love needs to be built constantly and is never ending in nature should be a motivating aspect for partners who find or discover this kind of love, it needs to push them in such a way so as to make them feel that they will never or can ever do justice to it and believe me you if both entities feel that way about that love they will do everything that they can to try and instill that kind of justice.
Anyways, enough said about that love, hope someone finds it that way one day and sure as hell tells me about it because I did and I can only tell them that I blew it so bad that I have no clue what to do with myself, hence the suicidal tendencies, its not moronic to have such thoughts, people who always think what people who committed suicide weren't thinking don't have the capacity to think to that level, one could ideally say that such people over think things but no! that's not true and I know it. My school friend committed suicide and while I do pray that he is in a better place today I also feel happy for him for the simple fact that whatever he did, for all practical purposes he must have thought things through, I know there's so much at stake when you are out there to take your own life, but I really don't agree that the people who are at stake and are attached to that life one is taking can possibly do enough to make that person feel comforted, be it his/her own parents or real close ones. There are some things which the mind just doesn't let go and wants to keep it some where inside, trapped and sealed and guarded from all and every form of external influence. All of this may seem like some kind of bull shit to you, but I know I am being practical, I myself am quite mad at him for taking his life the way he did, so randomly and I deeply regret the fact that I could not meet him or see his face one last time before he did this to himself, but now that time has passed I have reflected on his actions and if god were to allow me to meet him right now I would not tell him to come back, I would just say to him that bro, I hope you're happy wherever you are because if you're not, only then whatever you did was a mistake, unlike other mistakes not the kind that can bring you back to life but yes, this time your soul will learn from it and will make better decisions now that it is free to be where it wants to be. I would not yell at him or scold him or give him shit so long as I know that he is content with where he is today, this is not a write up to promote suicide or any kind of insanity but it is just to let every human being out there know, that don't judge the dead, because they have seen death and can tell the difference. People over and above his age may have lived long enough but they wouldn't have known what he does now, they may have enough years in them to make an observation, to form an opinion, to probably say something like, " He was just a crazy kid, there's so much more to life than that.". Well, what if for him there wasn't? What if he didn't feel that there was possibly nothing that could fix what was wrong in his life. Just know that some scars are so deep that even time surrenders when it comes to healing them and if a person has the ability to recognize something like that, he/she may not want to live with such a scar their whole life, so give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him that discretion so that he can judge the situation dispassionately and do what he feels is right for him because even suicide is a freedom that every human being deserves rightfully, so just let them who want to and wish to, have it in all their right fullness. Do them a favour and stay out of it.
I know like always I diverted from the topic even this time, but like every other time I don't regret it one bit. I could keep on writing about her for a life time and I will more I promise. She deserves to know what impact she created in my life and how she has changed it. I just pray to god that she never goes through any more pain in her life ever. I just can't see her taking more pain now, I just can't. She has just seen so much and has given so much to the people she loves that its just not fair what life has done to her. May god give her so much love that it heals every wound in her life and does not leave a scar that time can't heal or gets buried so deep inside that it makes her feel that life's not worth living and keeps her happy for the rest of her lovely life. May god shower their blessings on her family, on her son and give them a lifetime of joyful memories to live and leave this world with.

There's just too much to say but I will say all of it, slowly and steadily.

Cheers!!

Anuj

Reaching The Point of No Return!!

Yes this point of no return is what my folks have successfully managed to reach with me. Yesterday I was given all sorts of crap for not sharing my plans with them regarding my trip down south. Well, as always I did not have much to say to that but, I did try telling my father the fact that I informed my mother as soon as the trip got confirmed which was more than couple of weeks before the deadline if one can call it that. I think my folks have lost all faith and trust in me, they certainly feel that there is no scope for change, my father yesterday confirmed this statement when he delightfully told me that I know you value your friends more than your family but at least you could have shared your plans with me, hell!! I came to know through someone else, yes he used the words someone else and that someone else is his own wife my mother whom I naturally expected to let my father know about my plans the moment I shared with her, but I think its all gone too far now. Its morning here, and I haven't engaged much in conversation with my parents. Ohh!! and before I forget to mention the reason behind them being absolutely pissed is that I live with my granddad and my mom's going to go back home tomorrow and my trip's for 8 to 10 days during which my granddad will be all alone so making arrangements for that is getting pretty hard and is playing on her head because she can't ask her elder brother to take care of his own father and keep him at his home for just 10 days, that is the kind of trouble there is in my family, you know all of this often makes me wonder that is it our destiny to always be at the sacrificing end, do we not get a say in this, do we just have to go on and bow down to the demands of the other person. I may sound selfish or something right now, but I am talking with reference to my mum's elder brother who for some reason cannot co-operate, who after taking care of my grandma and grandpa for more than 30 years of his damn life cannot share his own fuckin' home with my grandpa for 10 fuckin' days. Such is the plight that poisons this family to unimaginable extent. Yesterday, my mother made a very interesting comment after my dad got after her with the nagging complaint that something's not right about grandpa this evening, he's not even talking properly and while sitting at the dinner table he wasn't even bothered about the TV serials he so diligently follows. After so much prodding my mum finally came up with a response that made such perfect sense, she said of course he's not behaving normally after knowing that I am leaving this Sunday and then when my dad poked even further she came back with a scathing retort saying, that everybody else in my family is living their own lives, so what I can't. It was almost as if she was talking like a prisoner. Someone who had been forced to undergo things she deeply hated or something, some kind of regret that lay buried inside her which she refused to let out or speak about. I know that feeling very well, it doesn't take much for someone of my nature to understand something like this and recognize that feeling the moment it sprouts, I have been experiencing a similar feeling for quite sometime now, man!! how I wish my mum could be given an opportunity to write a blog or something like me because I can assure you if she did and expressed herself as freely as I am expressing right now I would give an arm and a leg to read it and keep reading it for eternity. There is just unfathomable regret and frustration that remains buried in that head and heart of hers which I would really want to know about but its just that she would never write about it or speak very openly either.
Anyways, there is no point dwelling on something that can never happen because down the road this dwelling turns into a regret which I for one refuse to have. I take nothing away from her for the mere fact that she has been through so much, taken flak from as far as I know every fuckin' member of this family and yet not retaliated the way many would after going through what she has or is undergoing as I write this. This vacation of mine has caused irrepairable damage on my family, it has confirmed my lack of faith and trust in them and has made them think I have my priorities all mixed up. Truth be told I don't even know how to handle this. Just like my profile statement I AM LOST, like seriously. I can probably go to any lengths of having infinite conversations with my folks on this, but something tells me that I already know the end result of that, the inevitable conclusion that I cannot change, something that's already been written in indelible ink for eternity. At the most I could spend the rest of my life trying to scrape it off but, whose to know even that wouldn't be good enough. I know I am sounding like a real quitter here, but this is different, quitters give up before trying, in my case I already know that my trying won't impact anything or anyone, its like the result has already been declared and I am just trying my best to make amends to that. This is not quitting, this is letting people attain the comfort in their beliefs. This is a futuristic statement in the present and the ones responsible to make changes in this futuristic statement are the ones who need to attain that comfort.

I think I will sign off now, enough said about the dilemma that surrounds this retarded life of mine.


Adios Amigos!!

Cheers!! 

The Weird Feeling!!

Okay I think i'll just say this one out loud. I feel there is no one in this world with the power to tag a feeling. Its just a feeling dude, don't call it names and be racist. Why should it be weird, good, bad, sinking, nice or whatever the hell it is that people these days use to tag these kind of things. If you're under the impression that I am saying all this because I have some kind of so called "weird" feeling then HELL YEAH!! I do but I refuse to submit to the mere fact that anyone has the fuckin' right to call it "weird". Here as I speak my very intelligent uncle is calling his wife a garbage collector and making taunts to his wife saying "should I throw the clothes out of the suitcase just to accommodate your stuff that you were suppose to bring while coming back home. He lives in California by the way. A total jackass!! I always thought but could never gather the will to knowing how it would hurt my mother tell her what a royal piece of shit her younger brother is. Again, as I wrote that sentence he was on the phone with his wife asking her to not piss the shit out of him and trouble him at this time of the night if its not something important, the temperamental level of this man just amazes me at times. He is by far the most elusive breed of human beings I have ever interacted with in my life. With the mental age of a freakin' 10 year old human behaviour is something he doesn't have the slightest of clues about. I am practical in life and I know that very well but this guy, dude he's a total home wrecker man. Not only does he treat his wife with utter disrespect but he has absofuckinlutely no sense of conveying meaningful things to people who are more than twice his age. His own father doesn't know how to converse with him in a manner more discreet and calm despite the fact that he is what he is because of this 85 year old man. He just doesn't know how to speak to people at all. Like really at all. When my mum told me that he does not express himself in the best of ways, I was totally ok with it but, here's my analogy to all of this, if you feel you cannot make it with the mouth take a different route bro, who the fuck is stopping you, if you love these people who you do so much for then make this one effort also, but I guess he's too proud of something I don't know what that is to make this decision and strive to make his communication and presence felt more relaxing to the people he's surrounded by.

At times I feel what a dick head I am, I start with something and go off on a tangent totally unrelated to what I begin with. I don't think any number of apologies would bring this mistake to justice. So, sorry again to whoever is reading this. Anyways, coming back, that "weird" feeling, yeah you racist man/woman, you don't know what you're talking about when you put a name to it. You wanna do names go ahead I have tons of them for you too. Yes I do feel that words and emotions are something that are fragile, volatile and all of it. They need to be used properly and in a manner that each of them does justice to the other and since it is our race that has the privilege of knowing most of these WORDS it is my most honest appeal to this entire race that please strive towards this verbal/written justice because as I write this deep down in the darkest corners of my heart I certainly wish that every word is being justified by the word in front of it or for that matter behind it. Haha!! I didn't wanna say behind it because that would just make it sound really wrong. Coming out of the humour chamber, yeah its true that I have had that feeling and as I write this I am thinking about the person whose responsible for giving me this feeling. There's something about her that makes my feelings go in those directions, I feel she understands me and the time that we have spent in these 8 to 10 months at work I guess it would make me say that its nice to feel needed. Its nice to know that someone wants to keep their trust papers with you at all times. She has been much more than just a great friend to me in the past 10 months at work. She has made me feel needed and passed on an affection that it is truly pure and sacred, but like most affection I only wish this is just different not like the rest of the bunch. I am falling for her and I hope and pray that some part of her makes her see that in me.

Yes this is the weird feeling but for reasons known and personal to me. I wish I could share more about this feeling with you all but somehow its her I care about more than myself for the first time and hope to keep it that way.

Adios Amigos!! Cheers!! Have a wild Saturday night.