The battle that we refer to as life on so many instances or mostly all of them has its devious ways of wearing you down, tearing you apart and finally, looking down at you with a devilish smirk saying, "How about you stay down this time, bitch?" While, every single one of these occasions has driven me to fight smarter and become stronger, unfortunately, there seems to be a voice telling me to concur with this devil in this instance. I had plans to move out and finally look forward to some form of inner peace which lets just say got dealt with rather harshly. The irony here would be that none of what transpired could remotely be described as rough let alone harsh. Sometimes, in your head you prepare yourself to endure the worst leaving absolutely no room to deal with the tenderness that takes you by surprise. In your mind, you are constantly thinking as to why is this happening so smoothly, what about it is comforting yet disturbing in some ways, how is it that you are getting your way with this yet not meeting your desired outcome? It is for all intents and purposes, truly messed up. Is this the kind of thing families do? I wouldn't know any better because the truth is, I have absolutely no frame of reference whatsoever. Every moment that passes by where I know with certainty that this is what I am yearning for yet not being able to be a part of because sometime somewhere I happened to agree to some things under conditions which were anything but hostile. This has led me to believe if or not I have lost my way, whether or not I made the right decision, the fear of this decision turning into a life-long regret looms largely over my head, like a sword swinging in a pendulum like fashion patiently waiting for the head to reach its mark.
How have I managed to come so far and go through with so much? The real question here is, am I even capable of doing this or was I even meant to do it in the first place? My mind is pondering over an answer as I write this with meagre hopes of finding one. I am made to attend social gatherings where I stare into oblivion only to return with an answer to questions like - "How do you pass your time? What do you like doing here in this small town?" which are often followed by statements like - "I know there isn't much to do around here and for someone your age, it might be even harder to kill time." There you go, you answered your own question. Why make the conscious effort of engaging in conversation at all in the first place, or wait, were you doing this to acknowledge my existence in the room, to some how convey a feeling of belonging, to let me know I am not here merely because I can handle a stick or rather made to since its purely convenience. None of this makes any difference now, prolonged thought gives birth to clarity or at least in my case, it may have ruffled my feathers a bit with the ultimate intention of making me the wise owl. As they say, what good is wisdom if it is of no profit to the wise. A close friend of mine once made a rather intriguing observation about my life, of course this came at a moment where we were indulging in the customary fun banter. Astonishing as to how so much of banter possesses the ability to engage you in moments of self-reflection. Anyhow, coming back to the observation, my friend happened to say this - "You think it's easy, I have ended up making some crazy calls in my life bro. Just think about when was the last crazy call you ever made on your life." Being the prick I am, I immediately came up with a response only to end up with the realisation that this was intended as a rhetorical question and so, I should give it that respect rather than being dismissive about it and letting my impulsive nature get the better of me.
I know they say it is good to be lost only to find your true calling in life somewhere sometime. I am not so sure if this holds true for people who already know of no such calling and have dismissed the idea of it arising at any given moment in time. Does wanting the simple things in life make you a lesser human being or a socially unacceptable individual? Does striving to work for these simple things in your own ways make you appear as though you are clueless? Our minds are as convoluted as they are simple and we inherently give in to the former when we know it is the latter that we desire all along.
Some day, I will look back at all this and smile. Hopefully, that will be a day where I have achieved this inner peace I so adamantly crave and probably crib about too.
How have I managed to come so far and go through with so much? The real question here is, am I even capable of doing this or was I even meant to do it in the first place? My mind is pondering over an answer as I write this with meagre hopes of finding one. I am made to attend social gatherings where I stare into oblivion only to return with an answer to questions like - "How do you pass your time? What do you like doing here in this small town?" which are often followed by statements like - "I know there isn't much to do around here and for someone your age, it might be even harder to kill time." There you go, you answered your own question. Why make the conscious effort of engaging in conversation at all in the first place, or wait, were you doing this to acknowledge my existence in the room, to some how convey a feeling of belonging, to let me know I am not here merely because I can handle a stick or rather made to since its purely convenience. None of this makes any difference now, prolonged thought gives birth to clarity or at least in my case, it may have ruffled my feathers a bit with the ultimate intention of making me the wise owl. As they say, what good is wisdom if it is of no profit to the wise. A close friend of mine once made a rather intriguing observation about my life, of course this came at a moment where we were indulging in the customary fun banter. Astonishing as to how so much of banter possesses the ability to engage you in moments of self-reflection. Anyhow, coming back to the observation, my friend happened to say this - "You think it's easy, I have ended up making some crazy calls in my life bro. Just think about when was the last crazy call you ever made on your life." Being the prick I am, I immediately came up with a response only to end up with the realisation that this was intended as a rhetorical question and so, I should give it that respect rather than being dismissive about it and letting my impulsive nature get the better of me.
I know they say it is good to be lost only to find your true calling in life somewhere sometime. I am not so sure if this holds true for people who already know of no such calling and have dismissed the idea of it arising at any given moment in time. Does wanting the simple things in life make you a lesser human being or a socially unacceptable individual? Does striving to work for these simple things in your own ways make you appear as though you are clueless? Our minds are as convoluted as they are simple and we inherently give in to the former when we know it is the latter that we desire all along.
Some day, I will look back at all this and smile. Hopefully, that will be a day where I have achieved this inner peace I so adamantly crave and probably crib about too.
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